I've alway wanted to be a Spice Girl. Yeah I know I can't sing, but neither can they, so the only question for me was which one would I be? I've had every hair colour except red so that cancels out Ginger, I'm about 30 years too late to be Baby and Scary is just plain scary (although EGG and SSS say I resemble her before my morning espresso). So that leaves Posh and Sporty--and Sporty was a real possibility until today's letter, because after completing our I is for Ice Skating, I have had my lofty visions of having any sporting prowess come crashing to the ground.
Yes I know you probably think I crashed and fell all over that skating rink, but the reality is much, much, much more humiliating.
EGG had been ice skating many moons ago so he was a bit excited when I announced my I. "Are you sure? You know you're not real good at this balancing thing."
He may have been referring to one of the times I fell off my bike, or that disaster with the skateboard, or maybe that time with the windsurfer, or probably that thing with the kayak, but this time it was going to be different.
So off we went, laced on the cool boots and then I stood up. Things went down hill from there. I couldn't stand up--at all. Where I had previously had a good grip on the earth, there were these skinny metal blades. You can see I hadn't really given this much thought. I'm not sure what I thought I would be skating on.
EGG fell around laughing for about five minutes, got bored and told me to "just get out there".
So I did and then turned around and sat back down. I couldn't do it. Oh the shame.
I sent EGG off without me and sat on the seat trying to build up the courage to go out on the rink--there were tiny children out there for goodness sake, how hard could it be? By the time EGG had completed his first lap I was ready to give it a go.
So I tripped out and clung to the wall with both hands (check out the picture). And that's where they stayed for the whole tortuous lap--and believe me there was only one lap.
I couldn't make those stupid skates work. When EGG told me to point my feet together more, they crashed into one another making me plummet forward, when he told me to take bigger steps my legs went in opposite directions. But I didn't crash because I hung onto that wall.
Anyone who was in the way of my progress around that wall I asked to move out of the way--and I didn't care if they were old or young. Three year olds giggled as they skated past me. But I did not let go of that wall as I sweated and swore my way around that rink. It was the most embarrassing fifteen minutes of my life.
EGG to his credit stuck with me the whole way, sensibly laughing behind my back so I couldn't see him. Then he took off and did a few impressive laps on his own (that's him showing off in the picture), not holding my hand as we skated side by side as I imagined when I first thought up the ridiculous idea.
Anyway thank you to all my friends who pointed out that ice skating would probably lead to broken legs, arms, wrists etc. No I didn't break anything, but I really, really hurt my arm clinging on to the wall (stop that laughing). I might have to go to the physio.
You know I think I'll be Posh Spice--just a fatter, poorer, David Beckham-free version.
I is for ice skating.
